90min’s Definitive European Player Power Rankings: Week 29 – 30 Rock Special

Cristiano Ronaldo
Juventus endured a tough week | Emilio Andreoli/Getty Images

We’re getting to that point of the season. For many fans, football is no longer fun. Instead, it’s just one 90-minute rollercoaster of anxiety after another.

Some supporters would rather lie back on the sofa and watch an episode of 30 Rock to relieve the tension, so hey, why not combine them both? That’s what the European Player Power Rankings are all about!

Let’s see who’s been shining this week.

Marcus RashfordMarcus Rashford
Rashford impressed against Crystal Palace | Justin Setterfield/Getty Images

“I’m thirsty. Family! Who’s in charge of my thirst?”

Rashford was the star of lockdown by fighting to provide for disadvantaged families, and he’s been one of the stars of the Premier League ever since.

He impressed against Southampton and dismantled Crystal Palace, ensuring United keep up their pursuit of the top four.

Danny IngsDanny Ings
Ings hit 20 goals this week | Robin Jones/Getty Images

“I am a jedi! I am a jedi! I am a jedi!”

20 goals. Danny Ings has scored 20 Premier League goals this season.

In the five seasons before that, Ings managed a combined 21 league goals. What kind of magic is this?

Romelu Lukaku, Antonio ConteRomelu Lukaku, Antonio Conte
Lukaku missed two games through injury | Jonathan Moscrop/Getty Images

“What’s wrong, Lemon? When I see you chew your nails like that, it’s either you’re very anxious, or you handled some ham earlier.”

A muscle injury kept Lukaku out of action this week, so he had to watch on as Inter fired their way back up to second in Serie A.

Is the title charge still on? (No.)

Pierre-Emerick AubameyangPierre-Emerick Aubameyang
Aubameyang couldn’t stop Arsenal from falling to Spurs | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

“I’m doing this so no one will know I’m getting old.”

It’s not been a great week for 31-year-old Aubameyang, who failed to make up ground on Jamie Vardy in the race for the Golden Boot.

And Arsenal lost to Spurs. Yikes.

Ciro Immobile, Jeremy ToljanCiro Immobile, Jeremy Toljan
Immobile has lost his scoring touch | DeFodi Images/Getty Images

“A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.”

Not only is Immobile having a lot of trouble, but he’s also disappeared like Where’s Waldo. A two-for-one special with this quote.

No goals (or wins) in his last three games – Immobile and Lazio look to have given up.

Kevin De BruyneKevin De Bruyne
De Bruyne is still chasing the Premier League assist record | Visionhaus/Getty Images

“Stop eating people’s old french fries, pigeon! Have some self respect! Don’t you know you can fly?”

De Bruyne might not be able to fly, but he can do pretty much everything else.

His pursuit of the assist record has slowed down a little, but as we often see with the Belgian, he could manage about a bazillion assists in any one game.

Robert LewandowskiRobert Lewandowski
The Bundesliga season is already over | Alexander Hassenstein/Getty Images

“Oh, yeah, for now. But the beeper’s gonna be making a comeback. Technology’s cyclical.”

Lewandowski is done for the season, so realistically he shouldn’t really be on this list anyway, but how far can you drop a major candidate for the Ballon d’Or award after just one week?

Say your goodbyes, but he’ll be back in Lisbon soon.

Karim BenzemaKarim Benzema
Benzema is in the best form of his career | Eurasia Sport Images/Getty Images

“Hey, nerds! Who’s got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn’t cried once today? This moi.”

There’s no crying at Real Madrid these days. Los Blancos lifted the La Liga title, and they owe so much of that to Benzema. So, so much.

He has been on another level this year, bagging another three goals this week to take his tally to 21 in the league.

Bruno FernandesBruno Fernandes
Fernandes has been outstanding at Old Trafford | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

“I’m not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.”

Fernandes definitely is the creative type. Everything he touches turns to goals.

“Science is whatever we want it to be.”

Don’t try and understand Sørloth’s form this season.

He wasn’t at his best this week, but that’s not the point. The Norway man has been loving life away from Crystal Palace.

Mason GreenwoodMason Greenwood
Big things are expected of Greenwood | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

“Are you a large child or a small adult?”

He may only be 18 years old, but Greenwood plays like a man who has been starring in the Premier League for years.

Kenny McLean, Christian PulisicKenny McLean, Christian Pulisic
Pulisic has been Chelsea’s outstanding player since the restart | Pool/Getty Images

“There’s no ‘I’ or ‘me’ in ‘America.’”

Channelling his inner Eden Hazard, Pulisic has stepped up to be the bright spark in an otherwise underwhelming Chelsea side.

It was the American’s assist for Olivier Giroud against Norwich which kept Chelsea in control of the race for the top four.

Anthony MartialAnthony Martial
Martial has dominated in recent weeks | Sebastian Frej/MB Media/Getty Images

“So, here’s some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age: Live every week like it’s Shark Week.”

It’s Shark Week for Martial, who has been on another planet since football returned.

He deserved so much better than a draw against Southampton, but still managed to fire United back to victory in their next game. Ice cold.

Lionel MessiLionel Messi
Messi was livid after Barcelona’s latest stutter | David Ramos/Getty Images

“Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive. Haven’t you ever read my throw pillow?”

Messi (justifiably) threw Barcelona under the bus this week after his side flopped against ten-man Osasuna.

He scored a pearler of a free kick and celebrated by looking like somebody had just taken the last slice of pizza directly out of his hand. Rough day.

Cristiano RonaldoCristiano Ronaldo
Ronaldo continued his goalscoring form | Marco Luzzani/Getty Images

“Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking.”

Juventus’ push for another Serie A title stuttered this week, but that wasn’t for lack of trying from Ronaldo.

He fired home two penalties in the 2-2 draw with Atalanta, including a 90th-minute strike, to ensure that his side remain in the driver’s seat.

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